99 and a Half Won't Do

The following is a transcript of a 30-second commercial that Bill White’s campaign purportedly plans to air in heavy rotation over the weekend leading to what is expected to be his near-unanimous re-election as mayor. The ad features testimonials from real Houstonians, looking like real Houstonians and saying real Houstonian things.

Fade in …

"One Saturday I was changin' the oil out in my front yard---man, it was hot--and up rides this pasty lookin' white dude on a bicycle, looked to be a real expensive model, and he stops, gets off, takes off his helmet and goes right to the junk pile in the vacant lot across the way, I mean there was a ton of stuff people been dumpin' there for years, and he goes right to it, starts draggin' everything out to the curb, even that rusted old Kenmore dryer, and when the city truck pulled up he goes to tossin’ it in himself, I mean he was humpin’ it like a one-man Salvadoran tree crew on Friday afternoon, so I walk over to take a look and dang but if it ain’t Bill White! The mayor himself! That’s one thing I learned about Bill White: He’s deceptively strong.” --- Eldridge "40 Watt" McDonald, folk artist and handyman, Fifth Ward

"Of course no one in my family has voted for a Democrat since before John Connally left the party, but we find Bill to be a delightfully frothy mélange of Ronald Reagan, Pope John XXIII and Oprah. And his wife is just a darlin'!"--- Trudy Bascom-Haffler, gourmet cook and GOP precinct chair, Tanglewood

"When Hurricane Rita try to come to Houston, Bill White stand up and say, 'No, hurricane, go away! Shoo!" And hurricane go to Port Arthur, cause much damage property. Bill White know how to talk to hurricane." --- Nan Nguyen, manicurist and spa operator, Spring Branch

Fade out …

Announcer’s voice: “Bill White: If he’s been even half as good as his commercials, then he’s been a heck of a mayor!”

The election’s over. Jack Josey Terence is sunk. (Again.)