Thursday, January 10, 2008

“They’ll Hunt Me Down and Hang Me for My Crimes, When I Tell About My Dirty Life and Times”

A week-ending quiz on current events, specially prepared for you, the discerning and erudite reader …

1.) During Roger Clemens’ Monday news conference, lawyer Rusty Hardin passed Clemens a note that read

A. “Please, please, don’t throw a broken bat at any of these sportswriters.”
B. “Lighten up.”
C. “Tighten up, but don’t you get too tight.”
D. “Don’t look now, but there’s a third ear growing out of your forehead.”

2.) Harris County District Attorney Chuck Rosenthal’s forwarding of an email he received at work in which Bill Clinton is called “the closet thing to a black president we’ve had” (because he “smoked weed” and “had his way with ugly white women,” etc.) confirmed that

A. Rosenthal possesses a second-rate intellect.
B. Rosenthal possesses a third-rate intellect.
C. Rosenthal is eminently qualified to be chief prosecutor of the nation’s third-largest county.
D. Rosenthal secretly wishes he were black.

3.) In that email the Clinton “joke” is attributed to

A. Nipsy Russell
B. David Duke
C. “A black comedian in Canada”
D. “A black comedian from the Congo”

4.) Dr. Sam Siegler, husband of made-for-TV assistant district attorney Kelly Siegler and Rosenthal’s personal physician, passed along to Rosenthal an email with an attachment that showed

A. Men pulling down the blouses of unsuspecting women
B. Men pulling down the pants of unsuspecting women
C. A man “wagging his weenie” at unsuspecting women
D. “Hot Latina-Asian Foot Worship”

5.) Following disclosure of the Siegler email, Kelly Siegler, who is seeking to replace her boss as district attorney, said her husband

A. “Cusses like a sailor …”
B. … Has a crude sense of humor.
C. Is a “total asshole.”
D. “… is one funny son of a bitch …”

6.) According to Roger Clemens, over the years Roger Clemens has been given many injections of painkillers and Vitamin B12 in the buttocks by

A. “Ken Caminiti”
B. “A faded, jaded junkie nurse …”
C. “Dr. Sam Siegler”
D. “… trainers, nurses, doctors ...”

7.) Before storming out of his own news conference, Roger Clemens professed a desire to enter “the private sector” to, as the New York Times put it, “avoid ever dealing with further questioning” about his alleged use of performance-enhancing drugs. The most likely “private sector” occupation open to Roger Clemens after his retirement from baseball will be

A. Pulling tractors with his teeth at county fairgrounds in Mississippi and Arkansas
B. Breaking a 4-foot stack of concrete blocks using his forehead
C. Strutting around a wrestling ring in tight shorts
D. Anger-management consultant

8.) Should Chuck Rosenthal resign or be removed as Harris County district attorney, which private sector occupation is he likely to pursue?

A. Bit player in remake of The Shaggy D.A.
B. Geriatric model for Darque Tan and/or diversity consultant
C. Vaudeville humorist and/or radio talk-show host
D. Pulling tractors with his teeth at county fairgrounds in Mississippi and Arkansas

9.) Which of the following comments was made by Brian McNamee, Roger Clemens accuser and former trainer, during a phone conversation that Clemens recorded last week?

A. “I love you, man.”
B. “You turn away every time I try to share my feelings.”
C. “I can’t open up to you the way I want to---and I know you can’t.”
D. “You had the softest cheeks, Rocket Man.”

10.) An email discovered among those in District Attorney Chuck Rosenthal’s inbox included an attachment that, according to Channel 13, “shows a black man passed out, surrounded by watermelon and fried chicken” and is titled “fatal overdose.” Other food and drink traditionally enjoyed by rural black Americans* that would have been appropriate to reference in the email include

A. “Red pop”
B. Chitterlings
C. Hog jowls and gravy
D. Collard greens

BONUS: At the heart of the Chuck Rosenthal email scandal lies

A. Arrogance
B. Hubris
C. Stupidity
D. Insularity and in-breeding

Answers: B, B, C, A, A and B, D, D, D, C, All, All

*If you haven’t check out the comments on this posting at Lone Star Times, where, in an “I am Spartacus” moment, Caucasians and African Americans weigh in on their love of watermelon and fried chicken.

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