Sunday, October 02, 2005

Introducing Our New Reader Representative (Take It Away, Leon)

We’ve been buried lately under a blizzard of hate mail, stupid questions, lame suggestions and otherwise irrelevant communications from readers---so many that we at Slampo’s Place can’t get any work done. So, like most other legitimate publications, we’ve decided to deploy our very own Reader Representative (or “Re-Rep,” as he’s known on the street) to deal with the underemployed riff-raff. We've even entrusted him with (for the time being) his own blog.

We firmly believe that it’s best to insulate our workers from any contact with the public, especially those who call in or email after tiring of being on-hold on talk radio. It’s kind of like our republican form of government---we’ve “elected” someone to “represent” you, the reader in the ”legislature” of public opinion on our publication’s operations. You dig? Of course, our Re-Rep, unlike other reader representatives and ombudsman and whatnot, is free to handle issues however he sees fit, as long as he never veers from the company line or writes anything that might jeopardize our 30 percent after-tax profit margin.

And so—ta da!---we’d like to use this occasion to introduce our Re-Rep (at left above). He’s actually the second person to fill the post. Our first, a gentleman known to us only as “Super Johnny,” who worked out of cubicle in a city in India whose name we can neither pronounce nor spell, recently left our employ to accept what he described as a “better offer” (in his case, we think that means being paid). So now we’ve retained the services or a 20ish male whom we call Hidalgo Hidalgo (when we asked him his name, he replied, “Hidalgo”; when we asked whether that was his first or last name, he replied “Hidalgo”; so we believe his name to be Hidalgo Hidalgo). We found him sprawled under a shade tree late one afternoon on the median of Hillcroft Drive across from the Fiesta Mart in southwest Houston, surrounded by discarded scratch-off lottery tickets and empty Bud cans. What he doesn’t know of the English language or the sometimes obscure and dated cultural references that fly under the copy editors’ radar here at Slampo’s Place, he makes up for in enthusiasm and willingness to work for cash, and not much of it. So henceforth, if you’ve got a complaint or a suggestion for Slampo’s Place, or if you’re just really lonely and looking to engage in some sparkling electronic repartee, reach out and touch (but not there, please) Hidalgo Hidalgo, like the lucky readers below:

Dear Asshole “Slampo,”
You, sir, obviously have issues with women. In the recent weeks, your “blog” has referred to individual females as “a very hot Latina,” “a frisky young Oriental lady,” “a big, beautiful black woman with an exquisite bottom upon which we could fall into a deep sleep and dream for hours” and “a saucy old white gal with a bankroll as thick and fungible as her collagen-injected lips.” Your self-consciously cute attempts at political incorrectness aren’t funny and are hurtful to the powerless people whom you mock. Consider yourself warned: We will tolerate no more of this.
Ms. Jane Berkshire-Hathaway
Adjunct professor of women’s studies
Dairy Ashford Community College, West Campus
Houston, Texas

Dear Ms. Asshole,
For an explanation of these lapses in taste we turned to Ms. Soledad Justinian, our assistant deputy associate editor for Women’s News and Home Economics, only to find when we turned that Ms. Justinian had lost her job in the last round of layoffs here at Slampo’s Place.
So all we can say is that you obviously have no sense of humor, most likely ’cause you ain’t gettin’ any!
Muy mucho sincerely,
HH, Re-Rep

Dear Assholes,
Who are you, Pat Buchanan or somebody? We’re sick and tired of your constant slanting of the news and disarrangement of facts to serve your hateful right-wing agenda. All you do is yank on Bush’s knob and stand on your hind legs and bark for your corporate masters. We despise you and all stand for. And remember, this is pledge week, so we’re counting on your promised $11.54 to help us meet our goal of keeping our vital program on the air and not accepting any more money than is necessary from our corrupt and evil government.
Up the ass of the ruling class,
Amyl de la Goodman
Co-host, Los Super-fine Left-Handed Lesbian Latina Hour
KPFT radio

Dear Mr. or Ms. Asshole,
We must not be reading the same blog. At Slampo’s Place, we are neither liberal nor conservative, neither right nor left. How can you tell? Because we just told you, asshole!
In fact, we have no coherent set of convictions whatsoever; we just like to assume an authoritative voice and pretend we know what’s going on.
And may we add: Screw you, sir or madam!
Yours in solidarity,
El Reader Rep Hombre

You Illiterate Asshole,
In your recent posting “The Day I Lost My Virginity” you wrote of “a historical event.” As anyone with half a brain and an associate degree in English knows, it should have been “an historical event.”
Got it? Get it!
Yours for precision in things small and large,
“Slim” Bywaters, ex-copy editor, Slampo’s Place

Dear Pathetic Asshole,
As you may have heard, the layoffs at Slampo’s Place several months ago left us without copy editors. The most recent downsizing announced last week by corporate management will necessitate the elimination of the articles “a,” “and” and “the” from all postings on Slampo’s Place. So the miscue you spotted with your keen and practiced eye should not recur.
By the way, in your haste to be escorted from the premises several months ago you left draped over the back of your chair a red sweater spotted with large coffee stains that not only was an eyesore but was stinking up the entire floor. We took the liberty of tying said article of clothing into a ball and have given it to Tupac, our young and eager Rottweiller-in-training, so he’ll have something to gnaw on while passing the long lonely nights at his post. S’Ok?
Screw you again and again (and again),
HH (OG), The Original Rep-per

So there you have it! Nothing like a little open, honest give-and-take with the readers to clear the air. Remember: Our Reader Rep is standing by!

¡Llame ahora!

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